SSDD

Well, yesterday was my birthday. i turned 22! i'll get the pics up as soon as i can. i really dont feel 22. My birthday plans consisted of going to TGI Fridays and getting fried mac n cheese and an Ultimate Mudslide (Yummmmm!!), and seeing Wall: E. my mom hated it, but i love it!! I'm totally gonna buy it as soon as it comes out on DVD. IT was such a cute movie!
but after we got back from the movie, i opened up my presents from my mom- Weeds Season 2 and a Christopher Moore book-, and that was it for the festivities. i did get a body pillow at Bed Bath n Beyond with a gift card i got in the mail from my aunt. but that was it. :( kinda boring.

Sorry its been so long, i couldn't get back on for awhile. I'm signed on (right verb?) with a temp agency and they have a job they think i could do. ten bucks an hour, wahooo! i'm a little late with my resume, so that slashed my chances, but i did really good on my tests. dunno. i had a really god teary rant on my voice recorder Audio Journal today about how nothing goes right for me. i'm skinny, stutter, take 4 medications, no guy has ever looked at me as anything other than to make fun of, etc, etc, etc. pity party extraordinaire. and the worst part is, every word of it is true.

i'm writing a story now, about a woman who ran away from an abusive home situation to move in with this outdoors guru-person, and after he died, she meets an ex-secret army department worker guy, and they get together, but then when she gets lost in the woods on the way back from market in the next town over, he thinks whoever's after him for uncovering a secret found her, and goes after her. i haven't really gotten to that point yet, and i'm working on it as i go. it'll probably be interesting. i hope.

Well, SSDD here. Smell ya later.

Hem line rat bag?

Hey, I’m back, and in a bit better mood than before. I hate when that /\ happens. I quit chatham, too intense for me. Them’s smart people learnin. I’m listening to the new Fratellis cd, Here We Stand. Pretty damn good. I still like Costello music better, but the general consensus on the band boards is that HWS is better. Dunno. Go out and buy it! you won't regret it.
Have I mentioned Jon Fratelli is amazing?
“Won't you please forgive me but you know cold-blooded women make me sneeze"
"Look out sunshine, here's the punchline/ No one gets you anymore."
"Babydoll, do you believe they'll catch you when you fall/And when the morning comes, the sun is gonna shine"
"Some said she was saintly, to some she was a swinger/ But me I only knew her as an Acid Jazz Singer..."
"She don't walk like a cripple should/ She's Columbia's finest, oh she's better than good"
"Get it right today and you may still be here tomorrow"

etc, etc. *swoons*

Just had an interview with Cintas, cause am poor and need something to do til I decide to go back to school, which will probably be vet tech school. But i really don't want to work there. i'd have to get up at 5:00 in the morning! really not effing gonna happen.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to type when one hand is rubbing dog belly?
My hair is so frizzy its disgusting. Well, im having a hard time keeping up a solid steam of consciousness listening to this cd. Smell ya later
Shay.

POSTSCRIPT
i wrote that blog the other day, this is later. i have this voice recorder thing on my computer, and i use it as a kind of confessional, audio journal if you will. and i had the longest entry the other night, about how i'll never be happy, because the only things that will ever love me are my pets. i'll probably never have a relationship, have sex, any of that. cause dont you really need to have had a life for the first 20 years of your life to have a productive one the next 20?

people always talk about the power of positive thinking. no amount of looking into a mirror and telling myself i'm beautiful is going to give me those years back. years that i spent in a corner, in the shadow in the dark, watching other people live their lives, filling mine up with wishes instead of life. my life is destined to be that of a wandering, lonely soul. Telling myself that's not true isn't going to make it so.
I'm poor, lonely, and fucked up. my life is a shadow of a life. i don't even live my own life. i live in my mother's shadow, alwys following her around silently. the only things i have that are my owwn are my passion for animal rights, love of books, and fucked up sense of humor.

i just feel like i'm sliding backward into quicksand, and i have no one to lend me a branch. sure, family, blah blah blah, but they don't really know me. it would break their hearts.
i'll get a job, earn 2 months of money, go to vet tech school, get a job doing that, eventually earn enough money for my own apartment, hopefully downtown or somewhere close. i'll live there with my dogs, birds, and bearded dragon, probably til i die. fucking a.


now, enough with the depressed talk. ah, guck it, i'm in a depressed mood, and i have chores to do. Bye.

Hella Long Time No See!

fuck i just lost a whole big huge post. fucking pissed. i'm back.

Pet Peeved

You cannot rhyme two words that are the same. that is not rhyme, that is repetition. I was just listening to this song, i don't know what its called, but the guy tried to rhyme 'things' and 'things'. AARRGGHHHH!!! you cannot rhyme things and things!!! they are the same word!!! not only does that show a lack of creativity and talent, as well as outright stupidity, but also a lack of will to even try!!! (kings, rings, sings, wings. pick one!!!) If you have to rhyme two identical words in the song, then you come up with a different line, or a different approach! You dont REPEAT the same word!!!!
Whew. I feel a lot better.

Lots Of Stuff

hey kiddies! well, now that i have my first official reader (Hi!), i suppose i'll have to start posting more often. :) let's see... skipped religions class for the third or fourth, maybe fifth week in a row. Sorry Prof. Michelmore! What can i say...i'm a boon (what does that mean?) on your class. What else has happenned? well, i've spent (Quick head tally) at least ten hours over the past 3 days watching quarterlife online. i'm up to part 34 or 35. quarterlife RULES! i already have a friend on the website. i really dig the phenomenon of having, like, a fictional show and a real website meshing together into one great big awesome thing. i have to wonder which came first.
And now for the obligatory crush: Jed, of course. although i like Eric, too. But Jed...there's just something so tragic and lovely about him. and he's really smart and, just generally awesome. But really, what the hell kind of a name is Jed? unless it's short for like, Jebediah or something ridiculous like that. ;) Dylan is my favorite charachter, though. aside from just oozing beauty and sexiness and brains (in a good way ;) ) i love her entries, how wise and true they sound. and, to be honest, i just LOVE those freckles across her nose. :) I have ones just like them! Poor Debra, though. i got in a screaming match with my computer when she screwed Danny after almost dying over him. goddam little prick jerk. And he doesn't even pause a second before hopping right back on top of Carly. and then... Vanessa?!? wtf?? whatever. Lisa's cool, but i hate John. i guess for her.

Ew, the way im sitting right now is making me remember that i saw a little black BUG under my desk a few minutes ago. fing DISGUSTING. it was all like, wriggling around on its back inside this styrofoam cup down there. on its back. EEEEWWWW im giving myself the creeps. gross ew i HATE BUGS!! i am gonna be fucking twitchy and itchy all evening. fuck.
oh my god, but the other day, i was reading this now-lost book i had to do for class, Wide Sargasso Sea, which was really interesting *pout*, by the pond on campus. it was so beautiful. our cafe makes these kick ass cheese quesadillas, so i had my little non-biodegradable, outlives-the-cockroaches container of lunch, and i was sitting on these gorgeous old unvarnished wood adirondack chairs by the pond, and it was so incredibly picturesque. the breexe rippling the water, squirrels (did you know there were black squirrels?) nibbling behind me, digging food up out of the dark earth, and stretching out over the endge of the pond to take a drink. and these ducks, they were so funny. there was two mallards and a brown one with black markings, and they all swam together in the pond, occaisionally giving an angry quack. the brown one spent nearly all its time in the water with its butt in the air, it was so funny. I was like, dude, what are you fishing for down there? it was so funny cause the brown duck soo thought he was a mallard like the others. you could tell. :) it was so amazing, and it made me sad to leave it soon. i know i'll be sad, but this is just not my place.

man, i really wish they could deliver caffeine intravenously. Even slacking off at an olympic rate really takes it out of you. ;) I cant imagine what the Jane Showalters and the Edie Hitchcocks go through. Even tho the latter is a pretentious boob, and the former is a goddess. :) I still wish i was more like them. But honestly, what possesses someone to go around 100% of the time, in hot and cold weather, morning noon and night, in a beret? i swear to god, Edie. I have NEVER seen that girl without it. she probably showers with it and cuddles it in her sleep. :) i am so not mean, i swear. (why does 'i swear' always type ' i sweat'? "I sweat to god?)

well, i better get to doing some actual homework. Ciao.

holy shit update!!!

OMG guys it has been for eh var!!! i am so sorry, i thought i couldn't get back in. i am in chatham, i am hating chatham, i cant wait to get back out of chatham, which will happen in four weeks, ish. sucks. i am thinking of going to school for animal training, which would be nice if there was an animal training school nearby that wasn't EXCLUSIVELY dogs. so annoying. wel, whatcha gonna do. So i'm still spinning my wheels here. flunking 2 classes. losing my grip on reality, all that. oh, and i'm depressed, have flirted with but eventually dismissed cutting muself, and i have fazed out my shrink and will probably never see her again. she has done absolutely nothing for me, and i dont see the point of continually throwing my money and tiem away on her. my drug connection, whatshisname, mannheimer, thinks he knows me. fucking prick. i hate shrinks. i havent been sick all winter, though, that's an upside. of what, i couldnt tell you. ugh, my stupid bitch roomate. the most paranoid person i have ever met. i mean, i'm guilty and all, but still. :) i have met homeless people on the street with more commom sense than that bitch! FUCK HER! Whew. she fucking stole the remotes and the vaccuum. who the hell does that??? I mean...what? stupid bitch. movign on.

okay, so, what else is new? still veg, tho that's not really new. joined a few more AR clubs. :) god, my room is a fucking bomb site. it's messed up. i want the fuck OUT OF HERE!! which is a shame, because the campus is absolutely stunning. i was looking forward to living here. Agh! No self pity, or whatever that is. Well, there is soem silve rlining to this, although, as Chandler said, you have to reeally wanna see it. The goddess wanted to teach me that the things i stick myself to and resolve myself unblinkingly towards are not always what's best for me. just becuase i want something with my whole heart doesn't mean that i should get it, or that it is good for me. but if i hadn't gotten in, i would never have seen that. i'd've just been full of hatred and looking back. Wondering what if, even if some part of me knew i was better off. Still, i would always wonder.
Well, there it is. my silver lining. Dammit i have got to slap some sense into my space bar. I cannot type worth a shit on this laptop. alright, well, happy belated easter beloved non-readers.
Love Shay.

Quickie.

Hey. 39 days and counting. realized it'd been a while. i was putting on a dogster banner of kacey, which didn't stick. I'm writing a book, about a woman named deirdre, in the fuure, who's lover is wrongfully accused of murder, and is locked up. Deirdre breaks in and rescues him, and thryre gonna make a new life in the wild, away from the corrupt civil warmongers of the future government. it sound cheesy, and it is, but oh well. its fun. and it passes the time. i worked all thanksgiving week, earning extra money. and i lost 2 paychecks worth 400 dollars total. fun. ciao bella!