Makes you think, doesn't it?

Monday, July 21, 2008


Well, yesterday was my birthday. i turned 22! i'll get the pics up as soon as i can. i really dont feel 22. My birthday plans consisted of going to TGI Fridays and getting fried mac n cheese and an Ultimate Mudslide (Yummmmm!!), and seeing Wall: E. my mom hated it, but i love it!! I'm totally gonna buy it as soon as it comes out on DVD. IT was such a cute movie!
but after we got back from the movie, i opened up my presents from my mom- Weeds Season 2 and a Christopher Moore book-, and that was it for the festivities. i did get a body pillow at Bed Bath n Beyond with a gift card i got in the mail from my aunt. but that was it. :( kinda boring.

Sorry its been so long, i couldn't get back on for awhile. I'm signed on (right verb?) with a temp agency and they have a job they think i could do. ten bucks an hour, wahooo! i'm a little late with my resume, so that slashed my chances, but i did really good on my tests. dunno. i had a really god teary rant on my voice recorder Audio Journal today about how nothing goes right for me. i'm skinny, stutter, take 4 medications, no guy has ever looked at me as anything other than to make fun of, etc, etc, etc. pity party extraordinaire. and the worst part is, every word of it is true.

i'm writing a story now, about a woman who ran away from an abusive home situation to move in with this outdoors guru-person, and after he died, she meets an ex-secret army department worker guy, and they get together, but then when she gets lost in the woods on the way back from market in the next town over, he thinks whoever's after him for uncovering a secret found her, and goes after her. i haven't really gotten to that point yet, and i'm working on it as i go. it'll probably be interesting. i hope.

Well, SSDD here. Smell ya later.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Hem line rat bag?

Hey, I’m back, and in a bit better mood than before. I hate when that /\ happens. I quit chatham, too intense for me. Them’s smart people learnin. I’m listening to the new Fratellis cd, Here We Stand. Pretty damn good. I still like Costello music better, but the general consensus on the band boards is that HWS is better. Dunno. Go out and buy it! you won't regret it.
Have I mentioned Jon Fratelli is amazing?
“Won't you please forgive me but you know cold-blooded women make me sneeze"
"Look out sunshine, here's the punchline/ No one gets you anymore."
"Babydoll, do you believe they'll catch you when you fall/And when the morning comes, the sun is gonna shine"
"Some said she was saintly, to some she was a swinger/ But me I only knew her as an Acid Jazz Singer..."
"She don't walk like a cripple should/ She's Columbia's finest, oh she's better than good"
"Get it right today and you may still be here tomorrow"

etc, etc. *swoons*

Just had an interview with Cintas, cause am poor and need something to do til I decide to go back to school, which will probably be vet tech school. But i really don't want to work there. i'd have to get up at 5:00 in the morning! really not effing gonna happen.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to type when one hand is rubbing dog belly?
My hair is so frizzy its disgusting. Well, im having a hard time keeping up a solid steam of consciousness listening to this cd. Smell ya later

i wrote that blog the other day, this is later. i have this voice recorder thing on my computer, and i use it as a kind of confessional, audio journal if you will. and i had the longest entry the other night, about how i'll never be happy, because the only things that will ever love me are my pets. i'll probably never have a relationship, have sex, any of that. cause dont you really need to have had a life for the first 20 years of your life to have a productive one the next 20?

people always talk about the power of positive thinking. no amount of looking into a mirror and telling myself i'm beautiful is going to give me those years back. years that i spent in a corner, in the shadow in the dark, watching other people live their lives, filling mine up with wishes instead of life. my life is destined to be that of a wandering, lonely soul. Telling myself that's not true isn't going to make it so.
I'm poor, lonely, and fucked up. my life is a shadow of a life. i don't even live my own life. i live in my mother's shadow, alwys following her around silently. the only things i have that are my owwn are my passion for animal rights, love of books, and fucked up sense of humor.

i just feel like i'm sliding backward into quicksand, and i have no one to lend me a branch. sure, family, blah blah blah, but they don't really know me. it would break their hearts.
i'll get a job, earn 2 months of money, go to vet tech school, get a job doing that, eventually earn enough money for my own apartment, hopefully downtown or somewhere close. i'll live there with my dogs, birds, and bearded dragon, probably til i die. fucking a.

now, enough with the depressed talk. ah, guck it, i'm in a depressed mood, and i have chores to do. Bye.