Winter!!!

It's here, ladies and gentlemen!! Today was the first snowfall here in Pittsburgh that actually layed!! I just took Kacey for a walk, and when i got back, i had that just-been-building-a-snowman feeling, all warm but still chilly around the edges. Ahhh...winter is here!

I'm happy now, but by january, i'll be killing myself for saying that. :)

Izzie and Denny are back!!!!!

Oh my god i am nearly crapping myself with joy! Denny is back! after all the letters and emails, hating the writers for taking Denny away, they finally caved and they brought him back! Denny is real and alive again! i don't know and don't care how, all that matters is he's real and he and Izzie can be together again, and have the life they wanted! All the hurt she felt can be gone, because Denny is back again! They can be happy together, just like they wanted! Praise the Goddess, Denny is back!!!
My mother tried to crash my party, "But he's still dead!" FUCK THAT SOULLESS BITCH. She doesn't know, she doesn't understand, sometimes love transcends everything. It did with Denny! His love was enough to bring him back! He stayed for her, and now they get to live happily ever after! IZZIE AND DENNY FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hamster on a piano!

search youtube for "hamster on a piano" and thank me later. XD!!!!!

PRESIDENT OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

i'm drunkety drunk drunk! damn i love it. well true i'm not quite drunk, but i'm certainly on my way WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HALLEFUCKINGLUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
whew. now that i have that out of my syestem. now oyu know why i'm drunk. celebratory. my mom's asleep upstairs, but i intend to get drunk off my ass!!!!!! i didn't intend to up til now, but now that i type it, i realize that i do! i want to get drunk tonight. nothing amtters tomorrow, i can sleep in til whenever. esp cuz i dont get hangovers! i love this website, you know that? i really do. this fucking website in the greatest. memmememe! oh that remidns me, did you like my meme? i really ought to shing off and stuff. so, woohoo, go obama, go three olives brand vodka with cranberry juice!! cranberry apple actually. i cant seem to get my head on straight. it keep swanting to tilt to the left. tired. gonna sign off. ciao, lovely Obama citizens! we actualy have a president with an IQ over his age! wahooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

motherfucking-
i tenf to want ot sear a lot when i'm drunk. fuck yeah. bye.

TOO TIRED TO SPEELCHECK. BYE.
LOVE YOUR DEAR DRUNK AUTHOR!

Meme? (aka lots of I's.)

i saw this online just now. still don't know what a meme is, but it looks interesting.

I am : an animal rights loving vegetarian stuttering shy girl
I think : most people in the world are blissfully ignorant
I know : that the Goddess and the God love me.
I want : everyone on earth to be vegetarian, not to stutter, to be loved, lots of money.
I have : a dog on my chest right now, digging into my ribs.
I wish : every wish i made would come true.
I miss : high school.
I fear : I will never be loved.
I hear : the dog on my lap, Snoopy, breathing.
I smell : nothing.
I crave : chocolate, any form. Not dark.
I seek : the latest dream inside my head. and not to have to do the dishes.
I wonder : How much longer i will be able to stand being me.
I regret : All the things i wanted to say to mean kids who hurt me, but never did.
I love : Kacey, and my family, and several men and women i will always love but never meet again. (or ever)
I ache : For the life i should have had.
I was not : conceived on purpose.
I am not : happy.
I cry : For too many things to write down.
I believe : in magick.
I dance : like a string puppet with epilepsy.
I sing : When i'm truly happy, or scared.
I read : horror, sci-fi, etc. only fiction.
I don't always : treat my loved ones the way i should.
I fight : like a cornered rabid animal- with unbridled passion and little sense.
I write : Meandering, plotless fiction. Always first person, the main charachter always a girl.
I win : at Spider Solitaire every time. also at Mad Gab.
I lose : a lot, especially to my mom.
I never : intend to eat meat again.
I always : pronounce asparagus, "expagarus".
I confuse :
I listen : to all kinds of music, except rap and country.
I can usually be found : in front of the computer. :)
I am scared : about the future. and by slugs.
I need :my mommy!
I am happy: when i look at Kacey.

Happy Halloween/Samhain!

In case you're one of the millions who haven't heard,
http://drhorrible.com/mushortio.html
Watch it, and thank me later.

Now, onto other news. Let's see...Still unemployed. still lumping around at home. Halloween was nice. i wore my blue dread falls and fangs and handed out candy. scared the shit out of some little kids. :(
After, my mom went to an all-niter party, and I got blitzed and watched '30 Days of Night". Not a bad little movie, but Mars was in it!!! At least i know him as Mars. imdb and the rest of the world know him as Ben Foster. (Played Mars in Hostage, most misunderstood character in cinematic history, with the possible exception of Gogo in Kill Bill.) I practically screamed when i saw him. Actually, i think i did scream. :) i know i did when the head vampire snapped his neck. Grr...
Anyways. What else? oh, my mom's birthday is in two days! I'm not even really sure how old she'll be, 'cause she stopped telling me a few years ago. ;) i think like 43 or 44. dunno. but as for a social calendar, mine's pretty empty for November.
ooh-i went to Mellon Arena for a rally against the circus, but no one was there! I was so bummed. so instead i went home and carved pumpkins. Rocky Horror was on, so it wasn't a complete loss.
that's about it, though. lemme check my phone calendar. i can't live without that thing.
oh darn. the phone's MIA. well, i guess i'll have to be good with what i got. Happy Halloween and Samhain, everybody!
kisses, me.

Stephanie Meadows is a bitch; i have a flickr account!

it has been SO LONG since i posted! for a while i forgot about my lovely blog, then i thought i'd lost my password. but yay! i'm back! it's been a while, so i'd better make some quick stats:
I went to Chatham, spent one semester there, during which i felt a recurring need to huddle alone in bed, and/or cut myself. I watched a lot of vintage Sesame Street on YouTube. So that didn't work out much.

Now i'm home again. i got a fantastic job working at a Behavioral Health place, filing medical records. I got to file all day long, and stamp papers, and make file folders, FOR MONEY!!! But then my bitchy boss went crazy on me for saying that "You don't have to kill the spider, it's hiding, it won't come after you." She shoved me, yelled at me, then had me fired. The bitch is crazy. If you see a black woman with a horrible ugly short haircut who's name is Stephanie Meadows, tell her Shay says hi. Then break her nose.

Let's see, what else happened since i left for Chatham...oh! My beloved mouse Dusty passed away this August. He had a lung problem, and he had diahrrea. I made rice water and watched over him, but the strain on his little body was just too much.

I can't think of anything else that happened. I'm still living at home, looking for a job while at the same time not looking, wanting to get out but not doing anything about it. Agh. I'm writing a couple new stories. they're mostly crap, but they're fun to read. My mom's birthday is right around the corner, November 3rd. I'm thinking about catching a bus to the mall one of these days. or i could just cop out and say, hey mom, i'm thinking of spending some money i don't have, will youtake me to the mall? or, hey mom, i'm feeling kinda down. and going to the mall usually helps me feel better. Will you take me? Way to pimp out your depression for a ride to the mall. Well, it's not really for me, it's for her, so i can buy her something. I dunno. I need to get out more.

It's supposed to snow pretty soon. i hope it does. i'm gonna kick myself for it later, i do every year, but i'm kind of impatient for colder weather. This is stupider than usual for me, because i'm cold in the summer sometimes. i'm always bloody cold. But, hell, it's gonna come anyways, bring it on. hoodies and sweatshirts for me! i have so many turtlenecks it makes me gag. :( they're nice and all, but they look so...schoolmarmy. every summer i give a turtleneck to goodwill, and every Christmas my mom buys me a new one. :/

Ooh, ooh, before i forget to plug: i have a flickr account! http://www.flickr.com/photos/10306916@N05/
Go look at my pictures! leave a comment or ten! i love comments, and i hardly ever get any. :( So tell everyone you know to look at beautiful*loser's photostream on Flickr! Okay? Thanks!

Shameless plug over. Other than the above, things are pretty much normal here: Kacey's the picture of princessy health, mom's working-oh duh! She just got her Series & license- She's a stockbroker! Okay, other than that everything's normal. ;) Same as it ever was, as it were. I miss high school so badly nowadays. I think i'm missing human interaction. Me! Fancy that. Ah, well. I better go do something. I think i'll try and sketch my mother, for her birthday. or maybe i'll clean the kitchen or something. I hear my Fratellis CD calling me. Catch ya later, audience of one!

SSDD

Well, yesterday was my birthday. i turned 22! i'll get the pics up as soon as i can. i really dont feel 22. My birthday plans consisted of going to TGI Fridays and getting fried mac n cheese and an Ultimate Mudslide (Yummmmm!!), and seeing Wall: E. my mom hated it, but i love it!! I'm totally gonna buy it as soon as it comes out on DVD. IT was such a cute movie!
but after we got back from the movie, i opened up my presents from my mom- Weeds Season 2 and a Christopher Moore book-, and that was it for the festivities. i did get a body pillow at Bed Bath n Beyond with a gift card i got in the mail from my aunt. but that was it. :( kinda boring.

Sorry its been so long, i couldn't get back on for awhile. I'm signed on (right verb?) with a temp agency and they have a job they think i could do. ten bucks an hour, wahooo! i'm a little late with my resume, so that slashed my chances, but i did really good on my tests. dunno. i had a really god teary rant on my voice recorder Audio Journal today about how nothing goes right for me. i'm skinny, stutter, take 4 medications, no guy has ever looked at me as anything other than to make fun of, etc, etc, etc. pity party extraordinaire. and the worst part is, every word of it is true.

i'm writing a story now, about a woman who ran away from an abusive home situation to move in with this outdoors guru-person, and after he died, she meets an ex-secret army department worker guy, and they get together, but then when she gets lost in the woods on the way back from market in the next town over, he thinks whoever's after him for uncovering a secret found her, and goes after her. i haven't really gotten to that point yet, and i'm working on it as i go. it'll probably be interesting. i hope.

Well, SSDD here. Smell ya later.

Hem line rat bag?

Hey, I’m back, and in a bit better mood than before. I hate when that /\ happens. I quit chatham, too intense for me. Them’s smart people learnin. I’m listening to the new Fratellis cd, Here We Stand. Pretty damn good. I still like Costello music better, but the general consensus on the band boards is that HWS is better. Dunno. Go out and buy it! you won't regret it.
Have I mentioned Jon Fratelli is amazing?
“Won't you please forgive me but you know cold-blooded women make me sneeze"
"Look out sunshine, here's the punchline/ No one gets you anymore."
"Babydoll, do you believe they'll catch you when you fall/And when the morning comes, the sun is gonna shine"
"Some said she was saintly, to some she was a swinger/ But me I only knew her as an Acid Jazz Singer..."
"She don't walk like a cripple should/ She's Columbia's finest, oh she's better than good"
"Get it right today and you may still be here tomorrow"

etc, etc. *swoons*

Just had an interview with Cintas, cause am poor and need something to do til I decide to go back to school, which will probably be vet tech school. But i really don't want to work there. i'd have to get up at 5:00 in the morning! really not effing gonna happen.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to type when one hand is rubbing dog belly?
My hair is so frizzy its disgusting. Well, im having a hard time keeping up a solid steam of consciousness listening to this cd. Smell ya later
Shay.

POSTSCRIPT
i wrote that blog the other day, this is later. i have this voice recorder thing on my computer, and i use it as a kind of confessional, audio journal if you will. and i had the longest entry the other night, about how i'll never be happy, because the only things that will ever love me are my pets. i'll probably never have a relationship, have sex, any of that. cause dont you really need to have had a life for the first 20 years of your life to have a productive one the next 20?

people always talk about the power of positive thinking. no amount of looking into a mirror and telling myself i'm beautiful is going to give me those years back. years that i spent in a corner, in the shadow in the dark, watching other people live their lives, filling mine up with wishes instead of life. my life is destined to be that of a wandering, lonely soul. Telling myself that's not true isn't going to make it so.
I'm poor, lonely, and fucked up. my life is a shadow of a life. i don't even live my own life. i live in my mother's shadow, alwys following her around silently. the only things i have that are my owwn are my passion for animal rights, love of books, and fucked up sense of humor.

i just feel like i'm sliding backward into quicksand, and i have no one to lend me a branch. sure, family, blah blah blah, but they don't really know me. it would break their hearts.
i'll get a job, earn 2 months of money, go to vet tech school, get a job doing that, eventually earn enough money for my own apartment, hopefully downtown or somewhere close. i'll live there with my dogs, birds, and bearded dragon, probably til i die. fucking a.


now, enough with the depressed talk. ah, guck it, i'm in a depressed mood, and i have chores to do. Bye.

Hella Long Time No See!

fuck i just lost a whole big huge post. fucking pissed. i'm back.

Pet Peeved

You cannot rhyme two words that are the same. that is not rhyme, that is repetition. I was just listening to this song, i don't know what its called, but the guy tried to rhyme 'things' and 'things'. AARRGGHHHH!!! you cannot rhyme things and things!!! they are the same word!!! not only does that show a lack of creativity and talent, as well as outright stupidity, but also a lack of will to even try!!! (kings, rings, sings, wings. pick one!!!) If you have to rhyme two identical words in the song, then you come up with a different line, or a different approach! You dont REPEAT the same word!!!!
Whew. I feel a lot better.

Lots Of Stuff

hey kiddies! well, now that i have my first official reader (Hi!), i suppose i'll have to start posting more often. :) let's see... skipped religions class for the third or fourth, maybe fifth week in a row. Sorry Prof. Michelmore! What can i say...i'm a boon (what does that mean?) on your class. What else has happenned? well, i've spent (Quick head tally) at least ten hours over the past 3 days watching quarterlife online. i'm up to part 34 or 35. quarterlife RULES! i already have a friend on the website. i really dig the phenomenon of having, like, a fictional show and a real website meshing together into one great big awesome thing. i have to wonder which came first.
And now for the obligatory crush: Jed, of course. although i like Eric, too. But Jed...there's just something so tragic and lovely about him. and he's really smart and, just generally awesome. But really, what the hell kind of a name is Jed? unless it's short for like, Jebediah or something ridiculous like that. ;) Dylan is my favorite charachter, though. aside from just oozing beauty and sexiness and brains (in a good way ;) ) i love her entries, how wise and true they sound. and, to be honest, i just LOVE those freckles across her nose. :) I have ones just like them! Poor Debra, though. i got in a screaming match with my computer when she screwed Danny after almost dying over him. goddam little prick jerk. And he doesn't even pause a second before hopping right back on top of Carly. and then... Vanessa?!? wtf?? whatever. Lisa's cool, but i hate John. i guess for her.

Ew, the way im sitting right now is making me remember that i saw a little black BUG under my desk a few minutes ago. fing DISGUSTING. it was all like, wriggling around on its back inside this styrofoam cup down there. on its back. EEEEWWWW im giving myself the creeps. gross ew i HATE BUGS!! i am gonna be fucking twitchy and itchy all evening. fuck.
oh my god, but the other day, i was reading this now-lost book i had to do for class, Wide Sargasso Sea, which was really interesting *pout*, by the pond on campus. it was so beautiful. our cafe makes these kick ass cheese quesadillas, so i had my little non-biodegradable, outlives-the-cockroaches container of lunch, and i was sitting on these gorgeous old unvarnished wood adirondack chairs by the pond, and it was so incredibly picturesque. the breexe rippling the water, squirrels (did you know there were black squirrels?) nibbling behind me, digging food up out of the dark earth, and stretching out over the endge of the pond to take a drink. and these ducks, they were so funny. there was two mallards and a brown one with black markings, and they all swam together in the pond, occaisionally giving an angry quack. the brown one spent nearly all its time in the water with its butt in the air, it was so funny. I was like, dude, what are you fishing for down there? it was so funny cause the brown duck soo thought he was a mallard like the others. you could tell. :) it was so amazing, and it made me sad to leave it soon. i know i'll be sad, but this is just not my place.

man, i really wish they could deliver caffeine intravenously. Even slacking off at an olympic rate really takes it out of you. ;) I cant imagine what the Jane Showalters and the Edie Hitchcocks go through. Even tho the latter is a pretentious boob, and the former is a goddess. :) I still wish i was more like them. But honestly, what possesses someone to go around 100% of the time, in hot and cold weather, morning noon and night, in a beret? i swear to god, Edie. I have NEVER seen that girl without it. she probably showers with it and cuddles it in her sleep. :) i am so not mean, i swear. (why does 'i swear' always type ' i sweat'? "I sweat to god?)

well, i better get to doing some actual homework. Ciao.

holy shit update!!!

OMG guys it has been for eh var!!! i am so sorry, i thought i couldn't get back in. i am in chatham, i am hating chatham, i cant wait to get back out of chatham, which will happen in four weeks, ish. sucks. i am thinking of going to school for animal training, which would be nice if there was an animal training school nearby that wasn't EXCLUSIVELY dogs. so annoying. wel, whatcha gonna do. So i'm still spinning my wheels here. flunking 2 classes. losing my grip on reality, all that. oh, and i'm depressed, have flirted with but eventually dismissed cutting muself, and i have fazed out my shrink and will probably never see her again. she has done absolutely nothing for me, and i dont see the point of continually throwing my money and tiem away on her. my drug connection, whatshisname, mannheimer, thinks he knows me. fucking prick. i hate shrinks. i havent been sick all winter, though, that's an upside. of what, i couldnt tell you. ugh, my stupid bitch roomate. the most paranoid person i have ever met. i mean, i'm guilty and all, but still. :) i have met homeless people on the street with more commom sense than that bitch! FUCK HER! Whew. she fucking stole the remotes and the vaccuum. who the hell does that??? I mean...what? stupid bitch. movign on.

okay, so, what else is new? still veg, tho that's not really new. joined a few more AR clubs. :) god, my room is a fucking bomb site. it's messed up. i want the fuck OUT OF HERE!! which is a shame, because the campus is absolutely stunning. i was looking forward to living here. Agh! No self pity, or whatever that is. Well, there is soem silve rlining to this, although, as Chandler said, you have to reeally wanna see it. The goddess wanted to teach me that the things i stick myself to and resolve myself unblinkingly towards are not always what's best for me. just becuase i want something with my whole heart doesn't mean that i should get it, or that it is good for me. but if i hadn't gotten in, i would never have seen that. i'd've just been full of hatred and looking back. Wondering what if, even if some part of me knew i was better off. Still, i would always wonder.
Well, there it is. my silver lining. Dammit i have got to slap some sense into my space bar. I cannot type worth a shit on this laptop. alright, well, happy belated easter beloved non-readers.
Love Shay.